Today I am continuing my campaign to become a hipster. Without access to the old intertronic network that the kids love so much, I am now relying on other sources for my information on hip people, as well as a proper explanation of what this “ster” thing is that I hear so much about.

I have come to the conclusion that it all must relate to that “hippity, hoppity hip hop-a-long” thing that has taken over the music industry, or at least that’s what the noise from the radio I found in a bin this morning sounds like. I think that’s what it’s saying anyway, it may be because I had to replace the aerial with a bucket of shrimp and plug the battery socket into the mains outside the bus depot before I could get it to work. Why do people throw things away when they are so easy to repair?

Anyway, this hippy-hop-a-long stuff requires special clothes, so I had to go on some long-range rummaging to assemble a new outfit. I found some amazing baggy trousers when rooting through a skip behind the local travelling circus. It was surprisingly easy to get in there – the clowns were very accommodating after I told them I was a bear.

Finding a huge jacket and some “bling” was more difficult, however. I decided to tape two smaller jackets together and that seems to have worked for now. Bling was more difficult, but I eventually settled on a string of cheap Christmas lights, which I wrapped around myself and stuffed the power lead down my trousers.

If I stand by the power outlet at the bus station, or run very quickly under the overhead power lines, then I light up something special. It’s made me quite a hit with the local kids!

I don’t like kids, they call me names like “old fart” and “you smell like turnips”. Maybe this whole hip-hoppity thing isn’t for me after all.

Hubert Schlongson

The creator of the Blobland Band series of books, comics and radio plays. Hubert Schlongson's original stories were written to pay his mounting gambling debts after his short-lived olympic career ended in scandal following an all night bender involving baked beans, a diver's jerkin and a Flugelhorn.